Questions I have

[gwywnnydd]

So, I have a history of under rating my needs. I also have a history of, we will say questionable judgement in my partners. The last two relationships (before the one I am in now) ended in ways that destroyed what mental strength I may have had.

The relationship I am in now has lasted significantly longer than I expected it to. It meets many of my needs. Not all, by a long shot, and some of the ones that aren't being met are pretty important to me. Now, I was warned from the beginning that this is how things would be, and for the most part I can cope. It would be easier if I could spread my needs across multiple partners, but I have been in the market for another partner for several years now, and aside from racking up an impressively long list of reasons why I am not fuckable to most of the people I know, I have gotten nowhere. So, this is what I have to work with.

But I miss having a partner who is emotionally available. [This is where my brain monkeys pipe up, and point out that the last two "emotionally available" partners were lying through their teeth, and so have I ever had a partner who met that criteria? My brain monkeys, beeteedubs, are assholes]
I know it's not just with me, my partner has been emotionally unavailable with all of his previous relationships. And though he claims he wants to change that, that's a really fucking big ask, and might be more than is possible.

So I have to determine if enough of my needs are being met to stay, or if
I need to end this and move on.
I don't want to end this. Aside from the obvious "I love him and we are good together", I don't do well alone. The last time I was alone, it was for years, and damn near killed me (not exaggerating, Bug is the only reason I am still here).
But I also don't want to stay in a relationship that is slowly killing the small amount of self worth I have managed to scrape together.

It is hard enough managing my twitch factors around being in a poly relationship at all. I don't believe that I have much to offer my partner as it is (please don't argue with me on this score, I know all the arguments against it, but for some reason I haven't been able to shake that belief over the thirty years I have been battling it), and realizing that his current other partner is much more likely to be able to pull off the 'relaxed and unattached' dynamic he is happiest with doesn't help.

I wish I could talk this over with him. But whenever I try to bring it up, I get silence. Lots of hugs, but still silence. And talking at him just hurts.

Comments

[sistawendy.livejournal.com]

I'm really, really tired of being alone myself, as you may have noticed. Wanting to avoid that is something I can relate to.

His inability or unwillingness to talk, though? That's a problem.

Consider yourself hugged.

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. Consider yourself hugged back.