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gwywnnyddMan, this poly shit is HARD.
So, my partner admitted to having fooled around with someone this past weekend.
Someone he had frequently complained about advances from, and had averred time and again that it was never going to happen.
And now I'm left with the impression that 'never going to happen' means 'never going to happen, unless it seems like a good idea at the time'. Which, for those playing along at home, sounds an awful lot like the lip service I got from my Ex husband.
I try not to offload my emotional work on my partner, when I am aware it's MY work. Poly is not easy for me, it's not natural, and it's not ideal. I can do it, but it's hard. And I have an entire 7 piece matching set of baggage, with handles and wheels, about being told one thing about how my relationship looks, and then discovering the reality is different. So that is overshadowing my reaction, because I have that voice at the back of my head asking if I might be overreacting about this, because I got fed so many lines of shit by Bug's dad. Because I totally needed to be second guessing myself in all this.
But I DON'T know if this is an aberration, or another partner who will tell me what I want to hear, while doing whatever they want.
I WANT to be ok with him playing around. IT SHOULD NOT MATTER IF HE IS SHARING HIS PINK BITS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. It for fuck's sake should not send me into a hysterical spiral of insecurity about our relationship and my place in it, because I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST THAT HE MEANS IT WHEN HE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK. And I hate that I am so easily thrown off balance.
Adding another layer to the conflicted feels, this happened on a night that we had plans to get together. Which he canceled. And apparently found someone else to snuggle with. While I slept alone. Which has NO SIMILARITY TO THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH J, NO WAI!
And I got shit for sleep, because I had anxiety, and then I got scary fucking dreams about being violated. Because FML.
So, my partner admitted to having fooled around with someone this past weekend.
Someone he had frequently complained about advances from, and had averred time and again that it was never going to happen.
And now I'm left with the impression that 'never going to happen' means 'never going to happen, unless it seems like a good idea at the time'. Which, for those playing along at home, sounds an awful lot like the lip service I got from my Ex husband.
I try not to offload my emotional work on my partner, when I am aware it's MY work. Poly is not easy for me, it's not natural, and it's not ideal. I can do it, but it's hard. And I have an entire 7 piece matching set of baggage, with handles and wheels, about being told one thing about how my relationship looks, and then discovering the reality is different. So that is overshadowing my reaction, because I have that voice at the back of my head asking if I might be overreacting about this, because I got fed so many lines of shit by Bug's dad. Because I totally needed to be second guessing myself in all this.
But I DON'T know if this is an aberration, or another partner who will tell me what I want to hear, while doing whatever they want.
I WANT to be ok with him playing around. IT SHOULD NOT MATTER IF HE IS SHARING HIS PINK BITS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. It for fuck's sake should not send me into a hysterical spiral of insecurity about our relationship and my place in it, because I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TRUST THAT HE MEANS IT WHEN HE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK. And I hate that I am so easily thrown off balance.
Adding another layer to the conflicted feels, this happened on a night that we had plans to get together. Which he canceled. And apparently found someone else to snuggle with. While I slept alone. Which has NO SIMILARITY TO THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH J, NO WAI!
And I got shit for sleep, because I had anxiety, and then I got scary fucking dreams about being violated. Because FML.
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no subject
Date: 2015-12-09 10:59 am (UTC)Have you had the "these are my boundaries in a poly relationship, these are the things that are important to me and why, what are your boundaries and important things?" conversation? Have you sat down and actually worked out how poly is going to work for your relationship, and what the rules are? Because it sounds like it might be time to do so, or perhaps to revisit them, because the rules are so you *don't* have panic attacks and insecurities.
As an example, spydrman and I had fairly straightforward and simple rules:
1) no naked time with Brand New people. they have to have been spoken about in conversation a few times. Kissing/making out is totally free.
2) no dating an ex. ever. just no.
3) no dating anyone from Eastern WA (this was a personal history thing that was meant to include people we hadn't dated but still had history with).
4) Primary partner always has veto rights. (he might see things in someone I miss, and I might see things he would).
that was it. And it worked for us. *us*.
The thing is, you have to sit down and figure out what is going to work for the two of YOU. You have to establish if you are primary partners or if all partners are equal or how you are going to do/not do a hierarchy of relationships with Poly.
and you always have to be honest to the degree that your partner wants (some people do not want to hear all the details, some do).
all that said, I go back again to him making you feel like that was not something he was interested in, and then he did it without telling you he was going to AND he broke a date he had with you. Which would be a serious issue for *me*, I can tell you. So I have to say that sits outside of the "this is my baggage" because no, that is a sane and sensible reaction for any intelligent person (and really, anyone trying to tell you otherwise can answer to ME on that front).
breaking dates to be with someone else is never going to be okay in any poly relationship I have heard of. That's where jealousy happens - when time together is stolen.
To be entirely fair
Date: 2015-12-09 03:51 pm (UTC)Which isn't quite as bad.
Or I could be deluding myself, again, about my relationship, because I don't have any history of doing THAT...
Re: To be entirely fair
Date: 2015-12-10 01:40 am (UTC)Regardless of what is happening in your head, it definitely sounds like your relationship his come far enough along that having ground rules would be good for both of you.
no subject
Date: 2015-12-09 05:35 pm (UTC)Because if you are not okay with things currently are and will proceed, this isn't the relationship you should be in.. And if he isn't willing to work with you and your comfort that is a pretty big sign too.
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