I'm really having trouble wrapping my head around this

[gwywnnydd]

Situation is being discussed on a discussion board I frequent. Someone known to a board member has recently had a baby girl (little one is 2 months old). From the very beginning, paternal grandmother has been insisting the baby needs her ears pierced, now. Parents have stated that pierced ears will happen at 6 months.
One day, the baby is left with Grandma while Dad goes to pick up Mom from work. While gone, Mom's spidey sense goes crazy, and she insists on cutting short their errands and getting the baby. They get back to grandma's house to discover grandma has just completed *piercing the baby's ears herself*.

=8-0

I have no words. At least, none that wont be caught by any half-@$$ed filter.
The mother is livid, and the board is inflamed.

What would you do, or say, in this situation?

Comments

[ulrich.livejournal.com]

Grandmother in question now gets written off. No more contact, no nothing.

[kespernorth.livejournal.com]

I endorse this product and/or service.

[paxamillion.livejournal.com]

Take the baby. Remove the piercings.

Explain firmly, and with barely hidden anger, that this has potentially created an issue where I might not feel comfortable leaving my child unsupervised with them, if they can't accept my wishes on the welfare of my baby.

We are welcome to have a discussion on what we think needs to happen, but when it really comes down to it, mine is the opinion that matters! Just like when you had your first children!

And also explain that she has taken away my opportunity and made me miss the ritual of getting my daughters ears pierced, and I am very hurt by that!

And then leave before there is any further discussion on the matter.

It was very simply not grandma's place or right to do that without the parents permission, and definately not without the parents presence.

How dare she be so selfish as to take that experience away from the parents!

I would very much recommend that they stand up for themselves on this. Otherwise, grandma will continue to do this if she feels that she knows better. What's Next?

[ladyallyn.livejournal.com]

In Washington, illegal. Prosecutable under sex crimes. Body modifications of a (semi)permanent nature are "unlawful physical contact" with a minor. (unfortunately, the person who could quote the statute chapter and verse is no longer with us... but that's why he refused to tattoo minors, even with 'parental consent') Better google-fu would turn up WRC.

At the *very* least I'd inform the grandparent in question that she's just committed a felony. Consider reporting it as such. Advise that she's just given up any rights to have contact with child except on *my* terms or I'd press forward with prosecution. (knowing there are provisions in statute for ear piercing that require parental consent, etc it'd get pled to misdemeanor, but...)

Not Okay. Oh, SOOOOO not okay.

[paxamillion.livejournal.com]

And you know what. This is related to the types of things that brought me to the decision to exclude my Grandmother from my daughters life.

She was a nosey cow who always thought she new best, and would ignore your wishes completely.

I have never regretted Natasha not knowing her. And so far, neither has Natasha. And I made sure to check with her before it was too late.

When I asked her if she had an interest in meeting her or anyone else from my side of the family, she simply looked at me and asked "Why?".

She had never known them, and had accepted the fact easily that they had made no effort to get to know her, and that she wasn't missing anything. I gave her enough background on my family to reinforce that.

So far, that has been the end of that.

[codeamazon.livejournal.com]

1) Grandma has lost the privilege of being trusted with baby alone. Period.

2) Grandma needs to have a serious-sit-down with her SON who needs to explain very clearly how badly she overstepped bounds. Until this happens, Grandma needs to stay away.

3) I'd take out the earrings and let the ears heal. Then I'd wait until age 6 or later to re-pierce, per Pediatric guidelines.

Sounds like there are cultural issues behind this to me, so #3 may go against the parents' preferences too, but I'd be eliminating any chance for Grandma to over-rule the parent's wishes again, and explaining it in the clear terms that paxamilion laid out. That this was *selfish* and *unacceptable.* If you have to drive it home, remind Grandma that at some point she will likely be relying on the kids to respect HER wishes.

[codeamazon.livejournal.com]

Oh..and there is every chance that if I'd been Mom I might well have decked Grandma.

[codeamazon.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah...and thank G-d this wasn't a story about cross-generational Jewish cultural values gone awry. ;-)

[katybeth]

Here's what Dear Abby said on a similar situation:
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20081227
(second letter at this link)

[evillinn.livejournal.com]

wow. I'm stunned.

I wouldn't leave my daughter with her alone again, and would probably refuse to let her see the little girl until the grandmother has gotten some professional counseling.

If that doesn't happen, the end of the relationship would be near.

Did the mom say anything about the relationship her partner has with his mom?

[treebyleaf.livejournal.com]

Tell me Grandma isn't of French, Morroccan, Arabic, or African origin...

[treebyleaf.livejournal.com]

Okay. Cultural lenses in three parts:

1) 2 months versus 6 months
Most cultures that pierce the ears of their babies do it to newborns, especially newborn girls, and it usually carries the symbolism of fixing the baby's soul to its body and/or offering supernatural protection. In such cultures, the ear-piercing is framed as something the new baby deserves and requires. It's one of those "not much discussed / always done" traditions that tends to hang on for generations.

2) Home-piercing
We've been piercing ears since before recorded history. Professional piercers have become common only since the big boom of AIDS education. I've lived in times and places when most girls pierced their own or one another's ears. A sterilized needle at home is both more accurate and safer than Ye Old Piercing Pagoda at the Mall, which combine a theater of hygiene with an actual risk of infection that's led to movements to ban them in many states.

3) "MY child" is a cultural construction
The flip-side of "it takes a village to raise a child" that no one wants to talk about is that such well-supported children belong to the village. The idea that parents "should" have full and final authority over their children, is a bit freakish on a global scale.

That's the starting ground, for the questions that need to happen next. Can Grandma articulate why pierced ears NOW is so important to her? Does she see what she's done as providing for the baby's needs, or is this a power-play? How important is it to this family to have Grandma as a care-giver? Do they see the decision to wait until 6 months as providing for the baby's needs, or is this their power play? If it is a power play on either side, is it worth it?

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

Cultural lenses are important, I agree. But how does Grandma's cultural lens differ from her own son's (who was one of the ones saying 'not until 6 months')?

With the proviso that I'm hearing everything about this situation third hand, it seems to me that Grandma is doing this as a power play. "She raised her kids this way and they turned out fine" so anyone disagreeing with her doesn't know what they're talking about.

Grandma is *not* a regular caregiver, and based on comments from closer to the source isn't likely to become one anytime soon.

[treebyleaf.livejournal.com]

Then dumb move, Grandma.
But then, power plays usually are.

[katybeth]

Thank you for posting these, especially the third. Something for me to think about.

[wannie-cat143.livejournal.com]

Colette's dad and I argued over this after we had divorced. He wanted to get her ears pierced - I did not. I do not believe it is the parent's right to alter the child's body. It was my plan to let her decide when she got older. (10 - 12 years old) One day he had her and took her to the mall and had it done without my approval. Because she lived with me, I took the earrings out and let them heal. She ended up getting them pierced years later. But this time it was her choice.

Wow - Treebyleaf brings up great points - thank you for such wonderful insight!

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

Well, your situation is slightly different, as yours was two parents disagreeing about what to do. The situation I posited would be if you and her Dad agreed, but his mom took it upon herself to do the deed on her own. In which case, I suspect you'd be a *wee* bit... miffed.

[wannie-cat143.livejournal.com]

Totally agreed - this was an argument amongst the parents not an in law and the parent. Yes, I would be absolutely 'miffed' (I would normally use an expletive, lol). My reaction would be the same, however, in that I would remove the earrings and let the ears heal up. Plus, I would not allow her to spend alone time with my child anymore.