Question for the men in my world

[gwywnnydd]

I've been thinking about the societal injunction against boys displaying 'the softer side'.
The whole 'Boys don't cry' lesson.
Question for you: Assuming you were taught some variation of BDC, were you taught any outlet for fear or pain?

Comments

That one is simple

[levin-marks.livejournal.com]

What frightens you... Attack, destroy it utterly... then it's not scarey cuz it's dead.

Pain... Hide it, joke about it, get drunk.



The prime lesson is any weakness is PRIVATE, BDC Never admit to it and if you're too weak to no do it, Never in public! and that means ANYONE else!... No witnesses. Be ashamed of it.

[thogs-travels.livejournal.com]

Not really. The outlets tend to be aggressive, because we're taught that fear and pain are threatening (no shit) and that the response to a threat is to fight back or turtle. Displaying pain or fear immediately makes you a target not just for other boys, but for adult males.

So no, we're not well trained for handling that kind of thing. And I think our basic wiring is somewhat more stoic in any case. We're basically designed to absorb a lot of punishment and keep going. Doesn't mean we don't feel it, but it does mean that our natural outlets are fewer (it's hard to express pain and guard against it at the same time), and male culture emphasizes stoicism as a role model.

[thogs-travels.livejournal.com]

I'll add that if you're hoping to change this in someone, don't. There's a limit to how much they can change themselves, and attempts to 'open up' a male will almost always backfire. It's good to try to understand what you're seeing, but don't expect to see it change much.

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

Not really change, just understand to enable working within the parameters.

[levin-marks.livejournal.com]

Then learn to accept "I don't care" as a defense... Letting go of what hurts you or pretending that it's not important is a masking behavior, If the others don't know it's important to you they won't try to take it or use it as a weapon against you. The MDC is far bigger than just crying from fear or pain... It has a deep set of defenses.

Of course I'll have to kill you now to protect it's secrets...

[gwywnnydd.livejournal.com]

You'll have to find me first :).
And then resist my femenine defenses (I'm so cuuute and Heeeelllllplleessss . . . wait. You've sparred with me. Must find another defense . . .).

[levin-marks.livejournal.com]

Finding you isn't the problem... I have a great Dane to track you with... ;->

Cute? yes, Helpless... Not hardly, Defenseless... I'm not that stupid.

The best defense for you? you are loved, I would miss you.

[thogs-travels.livejournal.com]

That makes sense.

[apostle.livejournal.com]

There are caveats to these laws, such as no fellow BDC'er is going to give you any grief at a funeral. If they do, the other BDC's are required to put The Mook on them when civillians aren't looking.

Emotional pain gets handled by the Anger Department most of the time... and generally gets directed EITHER at the source of the pain (hopefully rightly so) OR at some inanimate object. Zen Masters and most gentle guys will internalize this and either become one with it or get ulcers.

[thogs-travels.livejournal.com]

Pretty much.