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Jan. 16th, 2004 09:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwywnnyddEDIT: This originally came to me unattributed. Since then, I've been contacted by the original author (who wrote it in July of 97). So, the first few paragraphs, up to the curly brackets, are the work of Jim Griffith. Beyond that, it's still unatributed :).
MARTIAN AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force
denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft
crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on
Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today,
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object
was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather
balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Saturday night when a major
stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base
contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story
about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly
came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several
times before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a
sudden explosion of alien gases."
Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted
the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the
earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that
hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming
across the Martian desert were blatant fiction,
provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the
general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's
explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate
on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.
Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's
statements as evidence of "an obvious government
cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps. {}They
point to the release of secret government memos
detailing attempts to discredit reports of the
landings by alien space craft. The memos discuss
strategies to avoid troubles similar to those caused
by the War of the Worlds radio program of years ago.
The program, which featured a sensational story of
gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth,
sparked planet wide panic.
Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area
of the alleged landings, are even more sceptical. "I
seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed Rhodo last week.
"I've lived here over 300 years, most of my adult
life-form. Them things used to be few and far between
but lately they come in every few years or so. The
government wants to bury the truth but I can tell you
what's real. The Earthlings are going to invade and
the government is spending our hard earned tax dollars
on press releases and denials instead of preparing for
the battle to come."
A spokesthing denied any government involvement in the
disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen since
shortly after the interview, claiming "Any sentient
being knows that a planet with the concentrations of
water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable
environment for the formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused
by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens
like Rhodo are a traitorous disservice to the citizens
of Mars."
MARTIAN AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force
denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft
crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on
Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today,
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object
was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather
balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Saturday night when a major
stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base
contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story
about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly
came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several
times before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a
sudden explosion of alien gases."
Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted
the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the
earlier report. General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that
hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming
across the Martian desert were blatant fiction,
provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the
general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's
explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate
on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.
Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's
statements as evidence of "an obvious government
cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps. {}They
point to the release of secret government memos
detailing attempts to discredit reports of the
landings by alien space craft. The memos discuss
strategies to avoid troubles similar to those caused
by the War of the Worlds radio program of years ago.
The program, which featured a sensational story of
gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders from Earth,
sparked planet wide panic.
Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area
of the alleged landings, are even more sceptical. "I
seen it with my own 5 eyes" claimed Rhodo last week.
"I've lived here over 300 years, most of my adult
life-form. Them things used to be few and far between
but lately they come in every few years or so. The
government wants to bury the truth but I can tell you
what's real. The Earthlings are going to invade and
the government is spending our hard earned tax dollars
on press releases and denials instead of preparing for
the battle to come."
A spokesthing denied any government involvement in the
disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen since
shortly after the interview, claiming "Any sentient
being knows that a planet with the concentrations of
water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable
environment for the formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused
by the unfounded and wild speculations of citizens
like Rhodo are a traitorous disservice to the citizens
of Mars."
Attribution
Date: 2004-01-29 01:38 am (UTC)http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/97/Jul/marspress.html
http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=Sb43.21d1%40clarinet.com
Jim Griffith
griffith@dweeb.org
Re: Attribution
Date: 2004-01-29 09:07 am (UTC)OK, I've updated the piece to name you as the original author.